Posts tagged ‘thoughts’

October 27, 2011

Crossroads

For someone who has “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” I have not been living up to Gandhi’s expectations. Or even my own.

I have just learned how to think. Think about the world (or country) I live in, think of the education I am paying for, think about the TV shows I watch and the books I don’t make enough time to read.

Most of you are probably sitting there thinking, “Emily, you are 19 and are enrolled in a university and is currently leading a grand life. You do read, and you do think. So what is all this hype about?”

Well, here is the explanation:

Yes, I am, and I do, all of that. But not quite in the right way. Sure I read and analyzed East of Eden with a class. I am currently battling my way through The Brother’s Karamazov on my own. But that’s it. In 19 years, that is how much progress I have made. To me, that is not enough. I do not read any sort of news paper, and the only information I know about politics (foreign and domestic) is because my boyfriend told me. That is embarrassing. I am an ignorant American and, from what little I have learned of America in this last month, that makes me sick.

So, what am I doing? Well, I am reading, mostly. I have started with Empire of Illusion, which is a little dramatic – but very invigorating. It makes you passionately angry and America, which is pretty nice. The second chapter is very hard to sit through because it is about the pornography industry. Otherwise, it is a very easy read, 200 pages.

Also, I am removing myself from all social media sites and other things of the sort. I don’t really need them anymore anyway, and since I am perpetually complaining of mot having enough time in the day, why waste my time on Facebook?

I will keep everyone updated as my thoughts progress.

 

Emily Treat

July 5, 2011

Can You Teach Creativity?

Last night, I was on the phone with my boyfriend when I brought up my concerns for my upcoming class, Engineering 115. My worries are that I may not have the creative mindset capable to translate my understanding of math and technology into a functioning machine.

To me, there are two kinds of creative people. The crafty, hands-on minds that can build functioning tools or machines and the artsy minds who can piece together items that are pleasing to the eye or mind. My dad is the perfect example of a crafty person. If you handed him a knife and threw him in the ocean, he would be able to create an underwater world without missing a meal. He can fix a car with duct tape, and make it last. I, on the other hand, identify as the artsy type. I can make jewelry, I can sketch quite well, and I recently knit my own purse only a day after learning to knit. I can even dance and act. My mind does not comprehend the same things my fathers does, however that is a skill I need in order to become an engineer.

Bass Guy attempted to console me by reminding me that, that is the exact reason I have an engineering class. This is where the whole question developed.

In my eyes, you cannot teach someone how to create an original work of art. You can teach them the techniques until the cows come home, but they have to be able to bring it together. Like dance, I find myself very accomplished in dance techniques. I know every last detail about a pique or pirouette, but I am a lousy dancer. I cannot translate my knowledge to movement, because I don’t have that capability.

How can creativity be taught to someone whose mind was never really meant to understand?

March 16, 2011

External and Internal Struggles

First of all, I have not blogged in a long time, and I am sorry for that. Just to catch you up in a nice speedy way, Bass Guy dated for about two months and now (as of this Saturday) we are in a relationship. I am so damn happy, I want to just fly to the moon and back.

The reason for me blogging today is, as it always has been, Bass Guy. But less about him and more about me. Which actually, probably what this whole website has been about.

I am utterly embarrassed to be writing this right now. And it irritates me to no end that I am embarrassed by this. I will explain myself.

I have some serious feelings for this guy. I would be so devastated if he broke up with me, my whole life would be destroyed. Actually, maybe not, I would probably be so heart broken that I would dedicate the rest of my life to school and my future career. I would be some sort of lifeless drone who is so dang successful, but has no family. I don’t ever want to think about living without him.

I think it’s safe to say that those are some pretty strong feelings. Unexplainably strong.

Ok, this is where it gets embarrassing. I know I have these feelings, but because of media and other dumb teenagers, I am scared to take myself seriously. I don’t want to say I love him, because (even if I really do) saying I love someone automatically makes me an immature girl who honestly has never been this close to someone romantically and is only jumping to misguided conclusions. But that’s not how it is!

I seriously think Bass Guy is my one. I feel like there is no other person on this planet that could fit his role more perfectly in my life.

Isn’t that enough to call love?

But I just can’t say it. We haven’t even been in a relationship for a week, it’s not enough time to know. Then again, wouldn’t you just know? How long does it take to realize that someone is exactly what you need, in all circumstances, at all times?

If only you were in my head right now. Looking back over this, I can hear exactly what my mom and friends will say after reading this. I sound crazy. Two months and I am throwing around the ‘L’ word. You are just going to say, I have just never liked someone this much before. Yes, that is true. But why can’t I find ONE THING that I don’t like about him? One thing I would change about him so I could like him more. There are things I would change for HIM, to make his life easier on himself, but nothing for me. He is everything I have internally asked for. Everything. I am not exaggerating.

I’m starting to get really upset that I can’t admit I am in love with Bass Guy. Why does love have to be so warped? There is no way an 18 year old can be in love. She is still learning. She knows nothing.

Or maybe I can’t admit I love Bass Guy because I really honestly don’t know yet. Which is partially true. I have no idea that what goes on in my head is really love. It might really be just a strong romantic connection. But how can I ever know for sure? I can only base it off of what I see. I’ll never be able to magically feel what someone else feels to verify my own thoughts.

That just reminded me of a previous, possibly more serious struggle I faced. Three years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, a disease that makes the female reproductive cycle a living nightmare. Before I was diagnosed, I remember I was once asked a question that completely stumped me. My doctor asked me, “How bad are your cramps?”

Simple enough, right? They are horrendous and debilitating. I couldn’t walk some mornings. I was guaranteed to miss school my first two days of my period. Sweating and curled up in a ball, completely still, because if I moved, the pain would increase. And still, I couldn’t help but ask, “Compared to normal cramps?” My doctor nodded.

Wanting to be completely honest, much to my mom’s dismay, I could not answer. Because who knows, maybe I was just dramatic. Maybe what I felt really was normal cramps, and I just couldn’t handle them because I couldn’t handle pain. I had no way to tell me, because I couldn’t just swap bodies with the nearest menstruating female. I had to guess.

Turns out I wasn’t being dramatic at all because when I woke up from my surgery, I was given the wonderful bit of news that I had severe endometriosis that was much more progressed than the doctor had expected in any 15 year old.

So, who’s to say I’m not being dramatic about this?

 Emily Treat