External and Internal Struggles

First of all, I have not blogged in a long time, and I am sorry for that. Just to catch you up in a nice speedy way, Bass Guy dated for about two months and now (as of this Saturday) we are in a relationship. I am so damn happy, I want to just fly to the moon and back.

The reason for me blogging today is, as it always has been, Bass Guy. But less about him and more about me. Which actually, probably what this whole website has been about.

I am utterly embarrassed to be writing this right now. And it irritates me to no end that I am embarrassed by this. I will explain myself.

I have some serious feelings for this guy. I would be so devastated if he broke up with me, my whole life would be destroyed. Actually, maybe not, I would probably be so heart broken that I would dedicate the rest of my life to school and my future career. I would be some sort of lifeless drone who is so dang successful, but has no family. I don’t ever want to think about living without him.

I think it’s safe to say that those are some pretty strong feelings. Unexplainably strong.

Ok, this is where it gets embarrassing. I know I have these feelings, but because of media and other dumb teenagers, I am scared to take myself seriously. I don’t want to say I love him, because (even if I really do) saying I love someone automatically makes me an immature girl who honestly has never been this close to someone romantically and is only jumping to misguided conclusions. But that’s not how it is!

I seriously think Bass Guy is my one. I feel like there is no other person on this planet that could fit his role more perfectly in my life.

Isn’t that enough to call love?

But I just can’t say it. We haven’t even been in a relationship for a week, it’s not enough time to know. Then again, wouldn’t you just know? How long does it take to realize that someone is exactly what you need, in all circumstances, at all times?

If only you were in my head right now. Looking back over this, I can hear exactly what my mom and friends will say after reading this. I sound crazy. Two months and I am throwing around the ‘L’ word. You are just going to say, I have just never liked someone this much before. Yes, that is true. But why can’t I find ONE THING that I don’t like about him? One thing I would change about him so I could like him more. There are things I would change for HIM, to make his life easier on himself, but nothing for me. He is everything I have internally asked for. Everything. I am not exaggerating.

I’m starting to get really upset that I can’t admit I am in love with Bass Guy. Why does love have to be so warped? There is no way an 18 year old can be in love. She is still learning. She knows nothing.

Or maybe I can’t admit I love Bass Guy because I really honestly don’t know yet. Which is partially true. I have no idea that what goes on in my head is really love. It might really be just a strong romantic connection. But how can I ever know for sure? I can only base it off of what I see. I’ll never be able to magically feel what someone else feels to verify my own thoughts.

That just reminded me of a previous, possibly more serious struggle I faced. Three years ago I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, a disease that makes the female reproductive cycle a living nightmare. Before I was diagnosed, I remember I was once asked a question that completely stumped me. My doctor asked me, “How bad are your cramps?”

Simple enough, right? They are horrendous and debilitating. I couldn’t walk some mornings. I was guaranteed to miss school my first two days of my period. Sweating and curled up in a ball, completely still, because if I moved, the pain would increase. And still, I couldn’t help but ask, “Compared to normal cramps?” My doctor nodded.

Wanting to be completely honest, much to my mom’s dismay, I could not answer. Because who knows, maybe I was just dramatic. Maybe what I felt really was normal cramps, and I just couldn’t handle them because I couldn’t handle pain. I had no way to tell me, because I couldn’t just swap bodies with the nearest menstruating female. I had to guess.

Turns out I wasn’t being dramatic at all because when I woke up from my surgery, I was given the wonderful bit of news that I had severe endometriosis that was much more progressed than the doctor had expected in any 15 year old.

So, who’s to say I’m not being dramatic about this?

 Emily Treat

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2 Comments to “External and Internal Struggles”

  1. The only thing scary about all this is your incredible smarts. Relax, let go and who needs the phrase “I love you” when the feelings are so much more? So, my suggestion is, just be.

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