One of the biggest problems with living in a small town, is the people who inhabit it with you. I was making my biweekly visit to Starbucks when my friend, Garrett, and I decided to sit in the back instead of near the fireplace. We were having a casual conversation about the number of comfortable chairs when a man came and sat directly next to Garrett. He didn’t say anything at first, and we thought nothing of it.

It wasn’t until Garrett pulled out his phone to check Facebook that the man decided to speak up. “Is that a Droid? What kind is it?”

Garrett calmly stated what kind of phone. I leaned forward to see him and asked if he liked his iPad. The first mistake of many.

“Oh, I love my iPad, I just got it and I have a ton of apps.” Apparently, I gave some sort of signal that invited him to go into the details of every single app he had. He wasn’t kidding when he said he had a ton. He had at least nine full pages of random apps. He wasn’t shy about showing us his pornographic magazine apps either.

However, when he opened up his Maxim subscription, Garrett and I shared very confused looks. We had both thought that he was gay. He continued to flip through the erotic pictures, when we randomly stopped and looked at us worriedly: he finally noticed our creeped out expressions.

“Are you guys straight?” Garrett and I looked at eachother, we were so lost.

“Uhhh, yeah, we are.” I stumbled out.

“Oh ok, well I’m gay,” I think I lost my mind at that point. “I have been expirimenting with straight girls lately. But there was this really cute guy in here the other day and I got that butterflies feeling inside, you know?” We both nodded.

“Are you antigay?” He asked. That was when my mouth flew open: “Oh no! I am so pro-gay! I am always doing what I can to give equal rights. I even bought a FCKH8 bumper sticker, and I want a shirt for Christmas.” Garrett looked over at me and widened his eyes in the classic shut-the-hell-up-you-idiot face.

The man simply moved on and showed us a cooking app. He displayed some no-bake cookies and mouth went on autopilot once again, “I have had some vegan no-bake cookies once before they are so good. Have you ever had mayonnaise cake? It’s really good.”

“Haha, that is a Mormon thing. Mormon’s always eat weird stuff like that.” Once again I was perplexed. I laughed in a really awkward manner.

“Do you know any Mormons?” He asked. Garrett had completely lost his cool. He wasn’t saying a word and refused to even look at him. This guy was just too weird.

“Yeah, I have a few Mormon friends back home.” I said.

“Oh no, I meant locally.” And this is the precise moment where I wanted to shoot myself, because I  just blurted out: “Just one, my suitemate.”

“Oh what’s their name?”

“Uhhh, Betty… What’s her last name? Uh, San…ders?” Garrett looked at me like I was insane. I had just given out a friends information to a freaky gay, trying to become straight guy with too many apps.

The man wasted no time whipping out his Facebook app to find her. He was flipping through some pictures of a trip he recently took (turns out he is Mormon, too), and there she was. He added her immediately and used her to find me. He didn’t even bother to try and find Garrett, however.

The rest of the conversation is a little bit blurred because I was too wrapped up in my own stupidity to care. That didn’t stop me from picking up on the weird parts of the conversation. Turns out he used to go through electric shock therapy and only looks at straight porn. He also at one point asked if Garrett and I were dating. We said no, but later decided if we are ever asked that again, we will say yes.

Betty never added him because she conveniently lost her Facebook password. I blocked him as soon as I came in contact with my laptop. Garrett and I decided we will never go to that particular Starbucks again. Which is ok, because there are a ton of other ones.

Emily Treat

PS. Turns out Betty did know him, but still hasn’t added him as her friend. She has spoken to him before in church and he “isn’t so bad.” I know what I heard and even if he isn’t a bad person, that doesn’t automatically disqualify you from being creepy.


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